You might be important to them, but not because you are intrinsically valuable. In some cases, romantic love may be their only form of supply. They just don’t have a stable sense of self. Narcissists manage their self-image through social feedback. But for a narcissist, the difference between the facade and reality is not a crack, but a gaping chasm.
And we all put our best foot forward in those first heady weeks of dating. (The understatement of the year from researchers Brunell & Campbell in Narcissism and Romantic Relationships: Understanding the Paradox.) On the other hand, these relationships are frequently problematic because they can be troubled, short-lived, and destructive to the individual dating the narcissist. On the one hand, narcissists are experts at initiating romantic relationships because they seem to be desirable relationship partners. Narcissism is a thorny issue in romantic relationships. They aim to disarm and distract you from their flaws and from the reality that the relationship will be constructed around getting their needs met, rather than real affection. But underneath the loving facade is a seething mass of neediness and control.Ī narcissist will shower you with affection in order to get you on side. Sure, they may seem attentive, even affectionate. And you can bet it’s not about your wellbeing or happiness.
So hearing someone say I love you has always made me wary - and sometimes ashamed.Ī romantic relationship with a narcissist as an adult can be just as confusing.
I couldn’t just be myself, nor could I expect the freedom to understand and enjoy who I really was. Intrusive and controlling, she wanted me to be the way she imagined and required and the price for failing was narcissistic rage. A need to perform in order to be worthy and to retain her affection.īut it wasn’t just the unpleasant sense of being unworthy that made me cringe, it was the impingement that accompanied her impossible affection. And every time I heard the word love, I assumed I needed to step up. There were always long, prickly, tangled strings attached.įrom early on in our relationship, before I had the words to describe it, I internalised a sense of shame - of not being good enough. I didn’t want to be loved, especially not by her. Growing up with a narcissistic mother, my experience of love was fraught. Those three little words can mean so much to those who hear them, but what do they really mean in the rise and fall of relationships - especially in a relationship with a narcissist? Romantic dates with roses, chocolates, expensive restaurants and jewellery.
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